Is happiness a gift? Hell Yes it is. Ask that to a person who is not happy and he will tell you that its possible one thing money cant buy and will never be able to. We all work hard, slog, kill some smaller wishes to fulfill bigger ones only because we all have a perfect idea of happiness. For some of us it is being the best at work, for some it is having lot of money, for some it is travelling, for some it is singing and the list goes on. But i never get happy, i never even reach close to being happy, because my head is clouded with only problems. For instance if you gave me a diamond ring, i possibly would get worried that its so expensive that i might just lose it, i would hardly admire its beauty or feel happy. They say that as adults we usually get very calculative in our head, have too many things to deal with, and children on the other hand are happy without a reason. I am sure you must have seen a baby smile without a reason, well i do not recollect of what i did as a baby, but from when i remember, i was a child with problems. The better i scored at subjects the more worried i got, since the teacher said keep it up and i took it too seriously. My close friends say that even if i have everything, i would be unhappy not because i would be greedy for more, but because being sad has become my second nature.
My life has been driven by rules, values, morals and perfection. I worked equally hard for both my class tests and annual exams. I liked working hard and i took the responsibility of this world on my shoulders. But it did not fetch much, i did not make it to the best institutes or companies. And hence the disappointment with my own self stayed. I also am not a bold person, i did not have the courage to pursue my dreams, i had very less to count on and i did not want to lose it for a fancy of mine. All i ended up doing was compare myself with every other person whose life i thought was perfect. And it depressed me further.
So has all of this regret and negativity driven me to write this blog post? NO. This post is just another mechanism to be able to live my life better, to forget the rat race, to be Happy. I have to practice to be happy, and that how difficult it has got. I stopped writing, initially i thought because i felt lazy, but actually i was so disappointed in my head with my own self, that i knew no one would look up my post. I forgot the very reason, why i used to write, because i liked it. This post is the first attempt to help myself come out of this self proclaimed depression.
My idea of happiness was doing extremely well at career, taking care of my parents, being an independent woman, having a successful partner, going all around the world and blah blah. Actually the real idea of happiness is nothing. There is no secret ingredient.
The real idea is to be with people who love you, to do things that you like. And that is what i wish to do and will do. I will continue to work hard, but i will stop killing myself over not getting that perfect life which does not exist.