My WhatsApp status is “Searching for Peace”, and trust me mental peace is the most expensive commodity for me today, I have tried shopping, watching movies, eating junk, and blown quite an amount thinking i will be happy and peaceful. But i guess i got duped by these artificial senses of pleasure. There is no specific reason to be unhappy; i have a settled job, a happy family and a close knit group of friends. But at times grief and tension seems to take a toll on me, so i had to resort to my last option; writing. And here i am again to share titbits of my life.
I am a month away from my 25th birthday and introspection is at its peak. Looking back at the years of my life, my achievements, my share of joy and sorrow is all i have been doing from the beginning of this year. Where my mom feels i should get married, my dear learned colleagues at office feel, i should accomplish more, my friends feel i should go for higher studies, i am dreaming of the impossible. I want to go back a decade and a half to a time where peace was free. I want to go back to those days of school dress, holiday home works, and those short walks with my mom and brother from school to home.
It brings a smile to my face thinking of the happiest times in my life, which i possibly did not notice then. It was such a beautiful routine, wake up, dress up, reach school just in time, rush for prayer, enjoy the classes, finish homework in school, crack silly jokes with friends, call each other pet names, gossip about the monitor and munch on those simple lunches. After school, my brother and I used to walk down home with mom, I used to tell her so many stories of school, and buy chocolates everyday (no wonder I had two root canals J ). Once I reached home, I would quickly change, have a quick bite, and happily take my afternoon siesta with mom. And at about 5, I used to sneak out of the bed and go to play with my colony kids. Back then jumping between boxes blindfolded was more nail biting than writing CAT. After getting back home , it used an hour of study and then watching movies and serials with mom till dinner time. And trust me at that time Jassi jaisi koi nahi, was my favorite show , it was not some stupid serial. And finally it was time for peaceful sleep again.
Times now have definitely changed, since now long walks with mom are scary, since it will start with her friend’s daughter’s marriage but will shift to mine, in no time. Now nothing is simple anymore, you have to be so diplomatic at work place, where we spend the most of the time, that those innocent smiles are lost. A lot of people know me as miss chatter box, but ask people around me now, they possibly have not even noticed me, since when you grow up, and you look at people with those dirty lenses of judgment, with mind full of prejudices and heart full of negativity. And hence I build a hostile boundary around me and do not make friends anymore. And if some person is able to cross all these layers and be my friend then they stay so for a lifetime.
At times I feel, in this race to be mature and smart, have we really left those innocent selves behind where smiling at the camera was because you were happy not because you were going to make it your Facebook profile picture. I miss going to bed with absolutely nothing on my mind.
I hope I will have days, where I can laugh my heart out with friends, where I can go on even longer walks with mom and quit fighting demons of my life. J